I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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