I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
vagina is talking i cant
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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