Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
