I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
