Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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