i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
You made out with two different species that night
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
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