tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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