just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
