Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
