When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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