Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Randomize
