I think I won the penis lottery.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
