Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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