Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
