I'm lost and stupid without you.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
