I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
