wrigley field is MILF paradise
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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