Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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