Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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