Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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