The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
