hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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