i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
