wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
