Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
