just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
