hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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