he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
