As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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