Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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