can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
