come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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