im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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