Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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