he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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