So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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