funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
