I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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