Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
