just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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