I hate your face
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
