Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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