Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
