I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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