He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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