I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
