Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
