Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I know her cup size but not her name....
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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