we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
