My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
