just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
