ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
